Oh… my… god… This week has been really exhausting. First off, I got another depression attack and crawled into the bathtub. The bathtub, of all places. After that, I was forced to go and get a haircut. Again. Last time was like two months ago. Anyway, I got a call from a friend of mine, I´ll call him ”Light”. He had suggested that we go on a roadtrip together with ”Minas” boyfriend, through Europe or something. But when I brought it up, he had forgotten all about it, but he was still really into it.

He suggested that we should bring ”Mina”. Shit. He obviously didn´t know.

So now we´re set to meet tomorrow, ALL of us. You know what? I´m not gonna be all stressed and anxious. I´m gonna see how she reacts to my presence, and if she can have me as a friend.

Broder Daniel – Luke Skywalker

I went to a dance
but I didn’t get any friends
makes me a little sad inside
but I’m Luke Skywalker

I fell in love with a girl
but she had a boyfriend
I tried to get her for a while
but now I can’t stand her anymore

Broder Daniel – Disease Inside

I can not go where I don’t belong
I can not go where I don’t belong
I don’t belong where I don’t feel free
I can’t belong where I don’t feel free

well, I’m a man and I need a maid
I’m a man and I need a maid
but I just can’t
seem to work it out right
I just can’t seem
to work it out right
but I just wanna be by
somebody’s side
I just wanna be by somebody’s side

Peace out…

People aren´t honest with each other. How else could they live together, dream together, grow old together? There is always something untold, a feeling best undescribed. Friends, one in love. How peculiar that can be, huh?

I haven´t had a single real girlfriend. Sad but true. Oh, I´m not asexual in any way. But I always seem to do something wrong. Act a bit too desperate, mostly. Desperate to fit in, desperate to be loved and always loved, not loved and then forgotten. I feel like there is something missing, some elaborate puzzle I was supposed to crack, Unfold. Untold, of course, because it cannot be told.

I hate this life.

Hi, you faithful readers! It´s been a helluva week these past few days, and it´s about to get even more… helluva-ish?

I´ll start with monday (really?): Monday was kinda good to start with. Up at eleven, paint some boards, drag around, sit down, stand up… you get the deal-io. The hellish event of monday came in the evening, after dinner. We, including three other households, have recently moved to the area and therefore started a ”council”, union you might call it, to help each other out with different jurisdictional issues around land property, road quality, etc., etc., but ALSO a more irritating matter: our neighbor from hell, the one who sold the properties to us. So described, we had invited him to one of our meetings to discuss some issues with him. I wasn´t there, but it ended with my mom furiously walking out, my neighbor’s wife doing dito, and the evening spoiled.

Tuesday: Tuesday I was really on the go. I went up at nine, mowed the lawn, took a shower and called my friend, namely ”Mina” (read the previous post). The week before I had told her about how I felt, and she was like ”oh my, why didn´t I see the signs”. Anyway, I asked her if she wanted to go take a spin in the city, check it out a bit. She was positive at the start, but then she asked if we could bring a friend. I said OK, let´s do so. The friend didn´t pick up, so I told her, and asked if she still wanted to go. ”Nah” she said in a sleepish voice. A while after that, we started texting:
Me: I´m gonna have to talk to you about this, sooner or later.
She: Wha-a?
Me: Ah, for crying out loud… You know damn well what I´m talking about.
She: No…
Me: Fine…
She: There´s nothing to talk about. You like me, nothing´s gonna happen. End of story.
Me: Is that why you want to bring another person with us, because you don´t want to be left alone with someone who discusses feelings?
She: Yep.
Me: Well, good luck with that. Don´t count me in though…
She: Why´re you so angry with me?
Me: I don´t know. I´m just so f***ing sick of this now. To sit and stroke your hand, but knowing down inside that ”this is the end of the line”.
She: OK, but you don´t have to be angry with me because of that.
Me: No, of course not. I should be blaming myself for not realising the truth.

Wednesday (today): Today I woke up and thought ”damnit, get up and get going, the train to reality is about to leave”. I called another girl, who had just come home from a trip. She and I had had a little spark, but I was afraid to commit myself. I knew at that moment as I woke up that she was on that train and had been there for quite some time. I asked her if she wanted to do something, hang out or whatever (so that I could make a move). She told me, qoute: ”I can´t do anything today, I´m set to meet John[...] a guy that I´ve been dating, hopefully my boyfriend soon ”. A smiley. A SMILEY! WTF?!

Thursday (tomorrow): Our most disliked relative and his family is coming to visit. It´s my dad’s brother, and he can´t ditch him. He snores, he´s so lazy he can´t do anything else but eat bananas on his own, and he stayed for two weeks last time. Mom wants him out by Friday. Good luck with that…

FluFF ThorrenT, signing off.

Hi everybody!

I´m back for another transmission package, this time with both good and bad news. I´ll start with the good ones.

1. I´m going to France this Saturday, it´s going to be awesome! I´ll get my first glimpse of continental Europe (not England or Scandinavia), and the best part is that it is free and that I´m going with people I trust and like.
2. I think that the military has sorted me out and won´t call me to a physics exam. Yeay!!

Now the bad ones.

1. A good friend of mine, we can call her ”Mina”, is giving me a heartache. She has a boyfriend, but seems to be interested in me aswell. I want to tell her that I love her, but I don´t want to destroy something good. She´s literally tearing my heart apart, piece by piece, possibly without even knowing it.
2. I don´t know what to do with my life. Great, huh?

Jag har länge gått under skuggan från inkallelsens hotfulla, vita kuvert, som snart kommer, tyst och obarmhärtigt, att glida ner som en krokodil i djungelfloden. Och jag tycker inte om det.

Fick en broschyr idag, berättade lite om ”det svenska försvaret – både nationellt och internationellt”. Till en början var det rolig läsning, jag fann mig själv med ett leende på läpparna vid varje stycke. Men sen kom den. Den sida som beskrev värnplikten. Och jag fann ett nytt ord där som inte lästs i någon annan del: måste. Du måste gå lumpen. Det är lagen. Du måste.

Och direkt, vet ni, fick jag tårar i ögonen, lust att spy, yrhet i hinkar sköljda över mig. Jag sjönk ihop på rummet, i den minsta vrå jag kunde hitta, och bara låste bort hela världen, förutom min musik. Tacka Kraften för musiken.

Så drog jag en lista för mig själv:

Varför militären suger

• Den behövs inte. Allt försvar, allt hat och allt lidande är byggt på rädsla. Och jag är inte rädd för något.
• Den ger en ursäkt för massmord.
  ”Ain’t no sense in the action, killing people all the time
  When it happens on the street, we call that a crime”
  //Eric Clapton
• Den ger idioter en chans att skjuta pang-pang på ”terroristerna”.
• Den ger idioter en chans att stiga i rank, och mobba sina underordnade. Power corrupts, som man säger.

Jag vill kunna elda upp broschyren. Båda två. Men de är av plast. Ironisk nog säger broschyren att ett av de största hoten mot oss är vår miljöpåverkan. Bra jobbat, ÖB, jävligt bra jobbat.

Yo!

Lalala, nu är jag här också, så roligt för er! Eller är det bara jag?
I alla fall, jag heter Fluff och är 16 år, kommer från en kranskommun till Stockholms län, gillar gränsande kommunen i Uppsala län bättre (intresseklubben antecknar), men, men…
Ehh, jag piratkopierar in i döden, det var väl roligt? Tycker att IFPI, Antipiratbyrån, alla onda partiska advokater och de giriga skiv/filmbolagen kan dra till de sälla jaktmarkerna.
Så, då var det sagt. And now for something completely different…

Eller inte.
Går teknisk linje på gymn., bor med föräldrar ute på nåt som vissa personer kallar ”landet”. Tycker om all slags musik förutom Metal, Hip-Hop och Ballader.
Har kallats anarkist, kommunist, nazist (två sista p.g.a. basker), gillar inte vad som händer inom svensk politik just nu.
För övrigt är jag fluffist. Det kommer att framgå vad det innebär…

Tjingeling!

FluFF ThorrenT